The Time I Read the Cocaine Hydrochloride Drug Label to a Frat House

WARNING: High Potential for Abuse

One slow weekday night as I was walking through the Zeta Chi Rho house looking for a second or third beer I over heard Stoner talking about marijuana legalization. This was his favorite topic to discuss and he was particularly enthusiastic on this night because he was sure he had finally found the solution to all of marijuana’s legal woes.

“All Obama has to do is make it a schedule two.”

“Exactly,” I said “it should be schedule two. Like cocaine.”

Stoner was not overly familiar with the DEA drug schedule and proved this by arguing with me that cocaine was not schedule two.

“Bro, no, not like cocaine. That shit isn’t schedule two. Do you know what schedule two means?”

“It’s a drug that has high potential for abuse but at the same time has recognized medical uses.”

Stoner nodded in agreement. “Right and there’s no medicinal cocaine.” At this point I would have stopped arguing and found that beer I wanted, however, something came over me. Stoner had that insufferable tone of someone confident in a false idea. I couldn’t let it stand.

“No,” I corrected “it’s used medically as a nasal analgesic.”

Stoner laughed but I assured him I was serious. He looked around for some assistance to find the pledge he had been talking looking puzzled and nervous.

“Let’s go ask doctor Rob. He’s not going to believe this.”

Doctor Rob was a premed student. Years later he would be the first person to come to mind when I heard the joke about what they call the person who graduates med school at the bottom of the class (doctor). Stoner found him in the common room playing pool with several other brothers. We waited for doctor Rob to take his shot, hitting the three ball to the corner pocket.

“Yo, doctor Rob, nice one. You gotta hear this. LoFi here thinks cocaine can be used medicinally.”

Rob looked from Stoner to me knowing he was about to be involved in something and had no choice in the matter. He thought for a second.

“Not that I’ve ever heard of.”

Stoner turned to me “See that’s what I said. No such thing as medicinal cocaine.”

The mention of cocaine had stirred the brothers of Zeta Chi Roh and they were turning their attention our way.

I turned to Rob “Have you even studied prescription drugs yet?”

He hesitated. ”Well only a little.”

“He would have heard of cocaine.”

I ignored Stoner’s outburst and asked Rob, “Doesn’t the FDA have a list of all their drugs? Can’t we looks this up?”

“Actually, yeah, the FDA requires all approved drug labels to be listed online.”

“Really?” I exaggerated clearly feigning surprise. “Let’s have a look.”

For the first time doubt crossed Stoner’s face. “Yeah,” he said “let’s look it up.”

Doctor Rob opened his laptop and and brought up the FDA website. Six of us were there watching as he typed one word into the search bar “cocaine.”

“No way.” Rob took a step back and we saw the list. Five matches found. I clicked the first one bringing up an image of the box. Cocaine hydrochloride Nasal Solution.

Stoner was staring at the screen. Rob looked at me and asked “How?”

I began to read:

These highlights do not include all the information needed to use COCAINE HYDROCHLORIDE safely and effectively. See full prescribing information for COCAINE HYDROCHLORIDE.

Cocaine Hydrochloride nasal solution, CII

WARNING: ABUSE AND DEPENDENCE

See full prescribing information for complete boxed warning.

CNS stimulants, including cocaine hydrochloride, have a high potential for abuse and dependence.

INDICATIONS AND USAGE

Cocaine hydrochloride nasal solution is an ester local anesthetic indicated for the induction of local anesthesia of the mucous membranes when performing diagnostic procedures and surgeries on or through the nasal cavities in adults.

When I had finished reading the room remained silent a moment then until someone reminded Rob he still had to take another shot at the pool table. The game resumed and Stoner went for a smoke. I went for that beer. A week later I heard Stoner arguing with someone in the backyard.

“Obama can reschedule it man. Just make pot schedule two and everything changes.”

I turned around and went to see if anyone was playing pool.